When I found out I was pregnant, after a few weeks of thinking carefully, I decided on an abortion
I want to tell my story as I think it would help me in trying to get over the fact I have just had an abortion at the same time as splitting up with my partner.
I was very ill with a chest infection and the contraceptive pill I was taking failed even though I had waited a week. I had this sick gut feeling I was pregnant but ignored it for a few weeks praying I would have a period.
Even though I was in a relationship, it had not been the best because of trust issues and I already had a 10 month old son. I thought it would be unfair to have another child so when I found out I was pregnant, after a few weeks of thinking carefully, I decided on an abortion.
Now this wasn’t an easy decision to make. I had already had a baby and was going through all the hormonal changes plus I had started to show a lot from 6 weeks but I was still also scarred from having an emergency c-section also.
When I went to my first doctor’s appointment, the doctor arranged with me to go to the hospital for an abortion, at the time I thought I was already 10 weeks pregnant but this was on my own dates and the doctor would not let me go for a dating scan first.
I missed this appointment, which had been arranged for 3 weeks so went back into the doctors and this time saw a different doctor and asked to have an ultrasound to make sure I was actually as far gone as I thought.
Luckily I had got it wrong and was actually 7 weeks so could have another appointment.
I was 12 weeks pregnant by the time I had gone for the abortion
I went in on the Saturday for the first pill and as I swallowed it I knew it was final and there was no going back.
That Saturday night my boyfriend told me he was going out with friends but he actually met a girl off the internet and slept with her.
This began a chain of events which led to him being late coming back on the Sunday meaning he could not come to the hospital with me on Monday so I ended up going alone.
I had already started bleeding but only light with painful but little cramping. Acting strong, knowing I had to do this I went in on the Monday morning where I waited in the room in silence.
A nurse came in and passed me the pills and applicator and told me to insert the pills myself, which I felt was more dignified. She then left me to it, telling me to buzz every time I went to the toilet in a bedpan.
She also told me not to look
I had to put the tissue and pad in there so it was unavoidable not to look.
The pain was there but bearable, I can only describe it as a cramp and then big pressure down below. I lost two blobs of lining and had to take another two pills, this time by mouth.
About 15 minutes later I had a huge surge of pain followed by pressure and an urge to push, where everything come out together.
Now anyone reading this I would tell you DO NOT LOOK!
I only looked to put the pad in and I never thought I would have seen what I did.
At 12 weeks the foetus was a perfectly formed baby
It was small but light skinned and I will live with this image forever.
The fact that I never asked what would happen to it and let them take away my baby like that as if it was rubbish will also stay with me so I urge you to ask what happens to it because I wish I had arranged a service or something.
Two weeks on I have found out what my boyfriend has done and for that I will never forgive him so it is over.
I do not regret what I have done but I do wish I had told my parents sooner as I could have done with they’re support at the time instead of solely relying on one person who had let me down.
I think that writing down your thoughts and feelings does help to process what has happened to you. It must have been very distressing for you to see the baby you passed, particularly if you had no idea that it would be completely developed.
I do feel that making an informed decision is important, and women should know what they are likely to pass. It is easy to tell yourself that it is a clump of cells, and then feel shocked and distressed when you realise that it is far more developed.
Choosing abortion should mean that we understand fully the decision we are making.
If you feel that you need more help or support you can access it by following this link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.
This story was sent in on 18/05/2011 and it’s been viewed 58,507 times.