SECRET SERVICE Had you told me one day the Secret Service would come knocking on my door would I have been surprised, probably not, but the way it happened was something out of a odd movie.
Had you told me one day the Secret Service would come knocking on my door would I have been surprised, probably not, but the way it happened was something out of a odd movie.
Lucky for me, earlier that day, a “friend” invited me out to lunch to discuss an organization she was hoping to start up so I wasn’t home when these two agents showed up to pay me a visit. Believe it or not they left a hang card on the door informing me of their visit. I shit you not, one of the agents was named “Don Johnson.”
What to do? What to do?
Of coarse I was nervous, who would’t be? Dot people shit themselves when this happens? Well I refused to let this scare me. I truly believe that our government should fear us not the other way around and when we find the situation to be reversed then that is the time to be scared. What had I done wrong, I wondered. All I do is put up posters, piss off the occasional politician, nothing big. So why be scared? There hang tag read somethings bout identity theft.
I gave the number on the card a call, a transfer or two later I got Agent Johnson on the line. I joked and asked him if he drove a Ferrari and lived on a boat with an alligator. He half laughter and told me that that was another Don Johnson. We set a time to met the next day. Luckly for me that gave me time to set up. My next call was to the Hollywood Reporter to see if I could get someone to watch my back and cover their visit.
Now see I could have coward and cried the way most people would’ve. I could have gotten a suit ready and practiced on my “yes sir,” “no sir” lines,” but I didn’t. Instead I got an idea.
Rule #1: “Every single time an opportunity presents itself to make waves, TAKE IT. ” So I developed this plan to wallpaper my apartment with the word “OSWALD, OSWALD, OSWALD” from floor to ceiling in 2000 point text or something crazy like that. I perch my AR rifle against one of the OSWALD walls. I swear it looked like a piece of art all by itself. I’d insist they interview me from the outside while I worked on Obama toilet seats. This is a lesson I learned from my neighbor who did shady shit. It didn’t matter how hopped up on drugs she was she was always conscious enough to never let the police in without a warrant. I had more power or rights inside my own house than stepping outside with them. They weren’t coming in without a warrant of some kind.
The second I jumped off the phone with Agent Johnson I called up The Hollywood Reporter, basically anyone with a megaphone I could have sitting in my living room when the agents showed up. At the very least if they drug me off someone would know about it and hopefully have it on video.
The morning of the visit I wasn’t too happy having to run to Kinkos for those OSWALD prints but I did it. Everything went up the way I’d planned, people showed up the way I’d asked. The room was set. The Obama toilet seats were staged. I was ready to rock.
When it was all said and done we had about fourteen minutes of video. I’d edited it down to a little over three minutes. You can see that edited version above, enjoy. The agents were dressed like beach tourists. How can’t you enjoy that? Oh and for the record, I didn’t ask to see their badges until after they started asking about my family, which is not in the video. So yes, they did break them out.